She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
