apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
