what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
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