He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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