I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
