I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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