I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
