she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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