I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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