We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
