i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
