An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
