He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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