I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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