wanna go halves on a baby?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
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