You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
