Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
