Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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