M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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