is your mom at the bar?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
