Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She's the barista slut.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
