i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I FOUND THE LEGS
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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