I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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