This is not my ceiling
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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