Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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