dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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