She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Liz is crying about burritos again.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
