I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
