Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
