I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
