if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
