I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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