THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
