I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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