It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
