could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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