Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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