It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
