my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
