i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
