i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
