Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
