do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
