He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
