he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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