I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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