Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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