worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
