You can't special order awesome
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
