then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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