Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
