So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
